HOLLYPALOOZA

HOLLYPALOOZA

It happened….  Neighborhood cars were spray painted…  a chaperone was tattooed… household  items were stolen.  Prank calls were made from my landline and no that was not Jaime from NH farting on the end of the line when you picked up.

I thought all flyers were removed around town, but I was wrong.

My co-worker Susan H. offered to chaperone Holly while I was at work that evening to make sure all party goers were turned away. Do not pass go, do not collect $200!  She raised two grown sons so how much trouble can an unruly elf be? 

Before I can even get out of my car, a stranger throws himself on my hood and stares me down through the windshield with crazed eyes that have possibly seen a lifetime of terror or maybe just one night in this case. “Make the crazy elves stop…. Make them go away” he stutters. Elves??? As in plural??

Quicker than Speedy Gonzales I hoofed it up the stairs, but was cemented in my tracks at the site that unfolded bedfore my eyes.  Wall to wall elves. Not the cute ones that make snow angels out of flour but the OTHER ones not posted on Facebook. The ones arrested for DUI when driving the Barbie Corvette. The ones you see featured on the Elves of Walmart site. The elves we do not speak of.  Holly is like a siren calling all those with priors, outstanding warrants, and in need of a good Sunday morning sermon.

Rage boils over like an unattended pot and thunderous voice booms (I’m going to count to 3…  Any elf or undesired person left on the premises will suffer the consequences!”…. “ I mean it!! “  “1…2….. If you don’t get out of my house NOW I’m locking all doors and playing the Carpenters Christmas album 24/7 while simultaneously viewing the Lifetime Network David Hasselhoff made for TV movie on my flatscreen.” Music stops,….dead silence……   IT’S A STAMPEDE..

The dust settles and a newly emptied apartment turns up a passed out Susan in the recliner. After I left Holly offered to make Susan a cup of tea and laced it with a sleeping aid as well. All night Susan snored in the chair while the debauchery escalated. Holly has a slight conscience after all when her only house rule was there are no rules except the snoring lady is left alone. Well almost.. Holly did approve the tattoo. If you see Susan H. on Monday ask if you can take a gander at her left bicep which displays the likeness of winking Tom Brady.