The Reindeer Have Unionized

Snow is falling softy... not a creature was stiring not a cat or an ELF!!  I slowly creapt into the living room and the tree lights were glowing with color and the presents left by Santa are waiting to be opened.

As I crouched down to retrieve my first gift a tiny hand emerged from within the tree producing a letter addressed to me and a tiny sing song voice sang out " I'm ......,. back..... or should I say I'm still heeerrreeee....."

WHAT!!!!!!  I ripped open the letter and read the following.

Dear Jaime,

I regret to inform you that I was unable to bring Holly back to the North Pole. The reindeer have unionized and have negotiated a new contract which they produced before we arrived at your house. It's a binding legal document so I'll paraphrase their terms and conditions so I won't bore you with all the legalize.

Rudolph has a doctor's note stating that he is very close to a nervous breakdown and suffers from anxiety. Holly scares the droppings out of him. She's shifty and always sneaking around. He needs to work in a safe environment.

Prancer still stands by his claim that Holly tampered with the fruitcake at last year's party and gave him the runs for days.

The reindeer threatened to strike and not deliver the rest of the presents beyond your house if that Elf came back with us. Now you don't want to disappoint all those children do you? Think about little Katie and her American Girl dog and Karysn and Kassidy and the rest of them.....

To be honest I think the reindeer are onto something. It appears that someone drank the milk and ate the super dooper cookies you made for me. Also when I placed your gifts under the tree that crazy elf jumped out of the tree with a "Boo" and frightened me. Glad I brought an extra pair of pants in case of emergency. First time I had to break those out. Those shifty eyes are creepy.

Sorry for the inconvenience, but I'm sure you understand. Think of the children.

Ohhh.... and apparantly Santa can be outbid on Ebay. I got sharked!!!  SoccerMomIndiana will be placed on the naughty list next year. Nobody gets in a bidding war with Santa. Please put Henry and Beezus on your list for next year.


Love,
Santa



What will I do with a mischevious elf until next Christmas? Stay tuned.......

Merrry Christmas! 

Who Needs Reindeer Games?

I've been a little bit busy working my seasonal second job in retail the past few days, which has lead to one very bored elf. She's been going a little stir crazy in the apartment. All her daytime shows have been replaced with Christmas classics like Frosty the Snowman, Christmas Vacation, etc.

My hall closet is filled to the brim with board games. I've been known to host a game night or two much to the delight of my friends. Apples to Apples anyone? Lame Lame Lame was Holly's response but she caved in. When I came home last night I found various games scattered across the living room as I stepped over empty soda cans and empty bags of Cheetos. I still find Holly's orange Cheeto's glow creepy. Shudder.

As I started putting away the games I noticed a common theme.

Game #1: Clue... Mrs. White in the living room with a dagger? NOPE... The final result was Holly The Elf in the Library with a shiv made from a candy cane.


    
Game # 2: Christmas Mad Lib by Holly The Elf
              

SINGLE FOR CHRISTMAS

Being a single  CAT LADY during the holidays can be royal pain in the FUNGUS TOE.  Sure, everyone would would like to spend a/an NOTORIUS  Christmas Day OVERATING  with their special KITTY.
 But being a/an SQUARE, single ACTION FIGURE does have its plus side. You can stay in your SOCK MONKEY  PAJAMAS  AND MOONWALK  in front of the TV all day watching  JEERY SPRINGER all day long.  You can drink as much PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPS as you want without embarassing your significant ELF, and you don't have to spend a fortune on a/an ONLINE DATING PROFILE for your FABULOUSLY FUNKY ELF. Spending Christmas alone really isn't so UNADVENTUROUS after all!!

Game# 3
Apples to Apples

Looks like Holly's personality is on the right and mine is on the left. :)

Game #4 Scrabble

Holly's bags are packed and are sitting by the front door waiting for the switch with Santa tonight. One mischevious elf for one Taylor Swift Red CD. . Possibly a first edition of Henry and Beezus as well.

I'm baking a batch of my special super dooper cookies for Santa tonight.Wish me luck. Tomorrow morning I should have my sanity back.

You've been invited to.......

I received the most unexpected invitation today.

You’ve been invited to………   be a guest on the MAURY POVICH SHOW!

It’s not uncommon between the hours of 2pm and 4pm daily to find Holly jumping on my couch yelling “Not the Baby Daddy, Not the Baby Daddy” while dancing around with joy. She’s addicted. If your cousin married your mama, but left her for your sister but not before putting your mama in the family way while denying it is his… THEN Holly gives your show two thumbs up.

Believe it or not the show is filmed in Connecticut so Holly signed us up online to be potential guests. Only problem is that we didn’t fall under the standard categories for a show like this. Please check all that apply.

-           I didn’t know my husband is really my biological brother. We’re from the same donor

-          I think my baby daddy is messing around with my sister and best friend.

-          My mama and I share the same boyfriend

-          My no good cheating boyfriend left me for my twin sister and took my dog but I still love him more than ever

-          I’m not sure who is my baby daddy

Holly selected the Other box and submitted the following:

-I think my defective factory left over Shelf on the Elf is stalking me and might be psychotic.  

-       How you can spot the warning signs.

          -   How do you cope when given a lame elf mommy?  

-          The 12 Step Elf Recovery Program… How to recover from your psychotic elf in time for the holidays next year.

-          Holly’s Guide to Shaking up Christmas and Letting the Good Times Roll

-          Holly’s tips on how to be a top notch creeper

                         AND

       - Confessions from a misunderstood elf

I'll post more details at a later date. Which segment do you think they will go with?

Holly: Side Effects May Vary

I felt holiday cheer was needed this past weekend and nothing makes me smile more than Christmas lights. I have a long commute home each night and nothing breaks up the of the monotony of the highway more than the back roads with its lush scenery; Snow covered fields and an abundance of homes twinkling white or dazzling with all the colors imaginable.

I love this time of year. We needed some good old fashioned fun that didn’t cost us a cent. Plans were made and Holly was game.

Hot chocolate was poured into thermos. Scarves were tied and overcoats were buttoned. Mismatched mittens/gloves were nestled around each  hand.  Wool hats shimmied down past the ears and with a tug each boot was on and we were ready to go.

Piled in the car with rosy cheeks bitten by the chill, we puttered around town basking in the glow of the illuminating Christmas cheer. Excitement was rising to a crescendo  with each house we passed.

Snowflakes danced in the wind with abandon. Red and green pulsed through the night and a rainbow palette twinkled back at me with a wink.  Blow up Santa’s wiggled and swayed with joy. If you peer a tiny bit closer, a snowman is waving hello. Reindeer are taking flight as visitors from far and wide are visiting a manager to behold a wondrous site.

Holly inquired why our little abode has only a few strings of light. My little snowflake lights warm my heart dearly as I flip the switch daily but with apartment living my balcony will have to do for now. AS I put the car in park and we stumbled inside overflowing with merriment, Holly declared that one day my house would be marvel to see. The best on the block at least.

The weekend flew by with no parties, arrests, and everyday tom foolery. Maybe my Elf on the Shelf was tired of her mischievous elf pranks. Christmas tunes jingle and jangled through my speakers as I drove home from errands as a glow illuminated the sky from my section of town. Like the north star it guided me home through the dark streets devoid of any color or light. Crowds were forming in the streets and spontaneous caroling filled the air. My car was abandoned as I walked the last block towards what was once an average two family dwelling on an average street.

Low and behold stood the white trash gingerbread house. Every inch was covered in some sort paraphernalia, like Santa threw up Christmas on my lawn. A blow up Homer Simpson was hanging with the Grinch. Three Wiseman were trapped in a candy cane maze, and a family of snowmen did the YMCA.  Not an inch of roof was uncovered without an assortment of lights except for the patch left for Santa’s sleigh which was commandeered by no other than Holly herself.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night.

Disclaimer: Side effects may vary….   Headaches, Vomiting, The uncontrollable urge to buy a double wide.

Slumber Party: Would you play Truth or Dare with a psychotic elf?

Did you ever have a friend growing up that all the parents loved? He/She was always a good influence and your parents never asked you where you were going if it was with that individual. Yes, I was THAT girl. Parents giving the third degree to a bunch of teenage girls going into the city on a Friday night “Where exactly are you going and what time will you… OH!! Jaime is going with you. Never mind. I’m sure you’ll stay out of trouble.”  Fast-forward a few hours later and I’m telling these same girls. “ummm… you know following those strange men we just met in a parking lot to a so called party doesn’t really seem like a good idea. Wouldn’t a burger at Friendly’s sound much better?”

I decided that Holly just needs to meet some nice friendly elves. A few calls were made and  Jolly, Jingle, Merry, Joyeux Noel, Mistletoe, and Rocky (I think her family missed the memo) trotted over in a perpetual chorus of giggles and mini sleeping bags in hand. Holly has never hosted a slumber party before so I made up an itinerary  for the night which included:

·         Hot chocolate loaded with marshmallows

·         String up popcorn and cranberry garland for the tree

·         Miracle on 34^th Street viewing

·         Bedtime reading of Good Night Moon

·         Truth or Dare ( Holly scribbled this in. I better keep an eye on that one)

The night went off without a hitch except for the tiny little meltdown when Mistletoe choose Truth and Holly made her say which family member she secretly wants to smother with a pillow while they slept. I had to intervene after tears fell and Mistletoe kept whimpering “But I LOVE everyone and never have homicidal thoughts!” Note to self.. Sleep with one eye open from now until Christmas!

I tucked in the sweet little elves and called it an evening. Sweet dreams…..

I woke up in the early hours for work and the 6 little elves were lined up in a row snoring peacefully. Too cute. As I switched on the lamp and peered a little bit closer I noticed that each elf had a letter write across her forehead with a black sharpie. L-O-S-E-R-S……..   I frantically grabbed rubbing alcohol and tried to minimize the damage to no avail but that wasn’t the only issue. Two of the faces were so heavily made up it looks like a street walker with an unsteady hand gave them a make-over using an entire Crayola box of crayons.  I haven’t seen eye shadow that blue since the 80s.

One little elf that shall remain nameless was sleeping away with her hand in a bowl of water. Does that myth still exist?  Yep, it sure does and elves are not immune. One sleeping bag in the wash and a fresh change of clothes needed.

No more sleepovers and play dates for Holly. She’s on the official banned list.

As I rushed for work and opened the freezer to grab my lean cuisine I pulled out the tiniest little frozen elf bra as well. Some pranks are still timeless after all.

Holly JD Elf knows how to jazz up a Christmas card

Holly has been a little pooped lately from all her of misadventures and has taken up watching the Game Show Network all day long while inhaling Cheetos and yelling out her guess on The Price is Right.  “Fool…. I said 1 dollar!!!!”   The orange Cheetos smile glows like a jack o lantern and is a little creepier than normal if there ever is such a thing as normal with Holly JD Elf.

After a tiresome day of “playing” 20,000 Pyramid and Wheel of Fortune, Holly asked if she could help me with my Christmas card list. I was taken aback by our moment of bonding and gave her the task of addressing all the envelopes.

I take great pride in selecting cute retro Christmas cards of old times past. Maybe a nativity scene or a snowy landscape or a holly jolly Santa.  Either way a card that brings back memories  of our youth. I’ll jot down a quick note wishing a blessed new year and good health, etc.

Old timey cards are a thing of the past though.  Most are of families sitting on the beach with glowing sun kissed skin, or maybe a picturesque family building a snowman with a letter of achievements this past year.

Holly asked if I was going to do a family photo Christmas card and I said I don’t think my friends far and wide are interested in a picture of me and my two cats, and an unruly elf. Holly pondered this and said true, but it would be a heck of a lot more interesting. I do give her that. I finished up my Norman Rockwell cards and called it a night.

AS I left the next morning I trusted Holly with the task of mailing out my cards. Every relationship must have a little bit of trust in order to succeed… correct?

A few days have passed and Holly left me a little present when I woke up this morning. I’ve mentioned previously that she is a whiz at Photoshop, and Holly put her skills to use. I found a new and improved family Christmas card that went out to everyone on my list.

Yes, that is me in a Mrs. Claus suit and Daisy and Mittens are dressed as reindeer. And who is that next to me dressed as Santa? Well dressed as Santa would be a loose description considering he is only wearing red felt pants and a Santa hat displaying some rock hard abs. Now it can’t be…. Yes that would be Ryan Gosling on my arm with a smiling unruly Holly Jolly Elf sitting on his shoulder with one arm around his neck.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM THE GOSLINGS!!

Ryan, Jaime, Mittens, Daisy, and the AWESOME Holly JD Elf

Our year rocked and if only you could be as fabulous as we are!!

No one ever said Holly was modest and she is right.. I think my card was a heck of a lot more interesting than everyone else and also a tiny bit delusional…

Holly supports the local public library

Most days during my lunch break I pop over to the local library to check out or return a book or two. The librarians know me by name and I frequently request books through interlibrary loan, etc.  It’s not uncommon to receive a warm greeting and a reminder that “Jaime, the newest Maeve Binchy book you placed on hold has come in..” etc.

As I sauntered past the front desk this afternoon, Laura ( the greatest librarian that has ever walked this earth) informed me that I had a few titles that have trickled in and are on hold for me. Hmm.. that’s strange. I only have a few titles in my queue and last I checked I was still far down on the waiting list. I grabbed the items from the holds shelf with my name on it and was perplexed by what I found.

The A to Z Encyclopedia of a Serial Killer

Helter Skelter

Silent Night Deadly Night

Cocktails Made Easy

As I perused through the titles in a state of confusion, Laura sidles up to me and whispers.. “ umm. There are a few more titles that came in as well for you and are behind the desk if you know what I mean.” I think I do, but I’m not sure that I want to. I let out an embarrassed chuckle and told Laura “ Oh.. I didn’t reserve these titles, my elf Holly must have with my library card.” Laura just gives me a wink, ‘Sure, your Elf…. Oh and the newest Pretty Little Liars book came in for you as well. Did your Elf reserve that too.”

Hmmm…. I think she did.

Holly JD Elf.... the new Annie Leibowitz

The moment my eyes fluttered open this morning I knew something was amiss.  Electricity coursed through my veins and my nose twitched like a bloodhound that has captured the scent of what it is seeking. Cautiously I tip toed out of my bedroom but everything was where it should be.  Not a stand of tinsel was out of place and one snoring elf was snuggled under the tree. Hmmm……  I still don’t trust that shifty eyed elf.

I went about my morning routine and powered up my computer once I was settled into my cubicle for the day at the office. As I checked my inbox a company-wide email caught my eye with the subject line:   Company Photo Contest Winner –  Submission by Jaime & Holly JD.  WHAT THE HECK!!!

Attached was the winning submission: Visions of Sugar Plums Danced Through Her Head

A photo of yours truly snapped while I slumbered. Yes, there might have been pink flannel pj’s with white bunnies skiing. Maybe I might have been drooling with my mouth guard in place and my eyes half open. Yes,  my Cat Mittens backside might have been smushed up against my face while I slept..  There is a possiblity that my hair might have resembled Medussa and her snakes. NO I usually do not have a Justin Bieber and One Direction posters hanging above my bed with a big red heart drawn around it, but the New Kids on the Block MIGHT be legit.

Take Your Elf to Work Day: We Need a Cleanup in Aisle 5

It's clear to me after the HOLLYPALOOZA showdown that my elf Holly can not be left with a chaperone or to her own devices.

I've taken a part-time seasonal job this Christmas at a popular book retailer. What to do with a mischevious elf on a Sunday afternoon? I'll just take her to work with me and be as discreet as possible.

Holly was set up in a back corner table at the in-store cafe with a peppermint mocha latte, coloring books, and approved reading materials with includes American Girl Magazine, Little House in the Big Woods, Santa Mouse, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and Make Way for Ducklings. That should keep her entertained.

Here are the events that unfolded throughout the day in Chronological order:

1. Jingle Bells and Frosty the Snowman was replaced with Black Sabbath on the store PA system.

2. There was a noon reading of Fifty Shades of Gray in the back corner of the store near the restrooms for all those interested. Mostly fascinated teenage age boys since that area is desigated for Anime/Fantasy/ and Graphic novels.

3. Customers were greeted at the end of the sales line by an elf claiming the she knows you are on the naughty list and has pull with Santa. Tell her your naughtiest deed and pay a fee (weighed of course by how bad you have been) and she can argue your case with the big man.

4.  All factory boxed Elf on the Shelves were set free. SET THE ELVES FREEEEEEE!!!! was chirped through the store as a red bolt of lightening zipped through and freed them from their boxes. This caused more TEARS than CHEERS. Hundreds of confused teary eyed elves roamed the store whimpering "Where's my new family??"  " I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED" sobbing and one poor little elf wet his pants. WE NEED A CLEAN UP ON AISLE 5!


An announcement was made over the PA system. Would the owner of the unruly elf that goes by  IT's None OF Your Darn Business, please make your way to Customer Service.  I did a walk by with a load of books that needed to be shelved and casually whispered... "makeabreakforitandmeetmeinthecarin20"

HOLLYPALOOZA

HOLLYPALOOZA

It happened….  Neighborhood cars were spray painted…  a chaperone was tattooed… household  items were stolen.  Prank calls were made from my landline and no that was not Jaime from NH farting on the end of the line when you picked up.

I thought all flyers were removed around town, but I was wrong.

My co-worker Susan H. offered to chaperone Holly while I was at work that evening to make sure all party goers were turned away. Do not pass go, do not collect $200!  She raised two grown sons so how much trouble can an unruly elf be? 

Before I can even get out of my car, a stranger throws himself on my hood and stares me down through the windshield with crazed eyes that have possibly seen a lifetime of terror or maybe just one night in this case. “Make the crazy elves stop…. Make them go away” he stutters. Elves??? As in plural??

Quicker than Speedy Gonzales I hoofed it up the stairs, but was cemented in my tracks at the site that unfolded bedfore my eyes.  Wall to wall elves. Not the cute ones that make snow angels out of flour but the OTHER ones not posted on Facebook. The ones arrested for DUI when driving the Barbie Corvette. The ones you see featured on the Elves of Walmart site. The elves we do not speak of.  Holly is like a siren calling all those with priors, outstanding warrants, and in need of a good Sunday morning sermon.

Rage boils over like an unattended pot and thunderous voice booms (I’m going to count to 3…  Any elf or undesired person left on the premises will suffer the consequences!”…. “ I mean it!! “  “1…2….. If you don’t get out of my house NOW I’m locking all doors and playing the Carpenters Christmas album 24/7 while simultaneously viewing the Lifetime Network David Hasselhoff made for TV movie on my flatscreen.” Music stops,….dead silence……   IT’S A STAMPEDE..

The dust settles and a newly emptied apartment turns up a passed out Susan in the recliner. After I left Holly offered to make Susan a cup of tea and laced it with a sleeping aid as well. All night Susan snored in the chair while the debauchery escalated. Holly has a slight conscience after all when her only house rule was there are no rules except the snoring lady is left alone. Well almost.. Holly did approve the tattoo. If you see Susan H. on Monday ask if you can take a gander at her left bicep which displays the likeness of winking Tom Brady.

Holly JD Elf Made a New Friend

Oh Dear Lord Holly has made a new friend.  She texted me this photo a few moments ago. She has released Pizzazz from solitary confinement up in the cold dark attic. This so called doll and I have a long history. Let me set the scene….

Christmas 1986 I really wanted a Jem doll from Jem and the Holograms. She had her own band, supported a home from girls, and had a foster sister. In true 80’s fashion she had big hair (pretty pink) and earrings that turned her from an everyday philanthropist into a rock star! I put it on my Christmas list and waited for Barbie’s cool new friend to arrive.

Christmas morning a gift sat under the tree at my grandmother’s house addressed to me from my great aunt Rita. Paper flew everywhere as I tore into that gift but my long awaited joy turned to confusion when this scary green haired angry looking doll Pizzazz started back up with a grimace. This was no Jem!! IT was her fierce rival Pizzazz.. My great aunt Rita was looking at my expectantly and said “it’s just the doll you wanted .. right?’ “Totally” I replied without hesitation. My great aunt Rita loves buying the gift she knows you want and I did not want to disappoint. With a big smile on my face I took the doll out of the box and put on a show that Barbie’s new cool hip friend has arrived. In my mind I decided she would be Barbie’s trailer park next door neighbor instead.

Later that afternoon I overheard my great aunt Rita whispering to my grandmother in the kitchen “ I’m surprised Jaime wanted that hooker doll for Christmas. Doesn’t really seem her style, but it’s want she wanted. Who knows with kids these days..”

Holly and Pizzazz better keep it down. All I need is an angry girl/elf rock band keeping up the neighbors all night. I’ll be optimistic. Maybe they will perform a favorite Christmas tune for me when I get home tonight. Who am I kidding, my apartment will probably be trashed after a hotel room party hosted by Axel and Slash circa 1980’s on tour….

Holly channels Alfred Hitchcock

There’s always a risk you take when you are on a very limited budget and decide to buy a factory left over Elf on a Shelf out of the back of a van parked in a Taco Bell parking lot.  I’m generally a half glass full type of gal so I was confident that this would work out well. I see all the cute pictures posted on Facebook by all my friends. Elf playing dress up with Santa (sounds a little peervy if you ask me though), Elf sleeping in the candy bowl all snuggled up and Elf reading Good Night Moon. So Sweet!!

Something seemed amiss in the early hours of Dover this cold December morning. Shadows were dancing around the bathroom but every time I peered around the curtain nothing was there. Just an overactive imagination I guess. Being paranoid is not much of a stretch when you have a psychotic elf that has taken up residence.

Just as I was shampooing my hair (CUE Music) a large shadow loomed across the curtain of a dark figure with a kitchen knife. AS my heart plummeted to the floor and I cowered in fear the curtain was drawn back to reveal an elf in an old lady dress  with a gray wig holding a cardboard cutout butcher knife covered in foil.

5am is not the time to reenact the shower scene in Psycho. I’m not amused, but I do have to say it’s a good sign that Holly made her own cardboard prop instead of the real thing. That would have been a guaranteed eviction notice. I’ll go to Target and buy that Taylor Swift CD myself.  There is nothing in the world Santa could offer me as restitution for harboring that psycho elf.

All I have to say is if come home to an apartment full on Tippi Hedren from The Birds… there will be an elf released into the wilds of Southern New Hampshire and possibly Maine. Bear arms, lock you doors, and pray that the elf skips your house.

Reward for any flyers in the greater NH seacoast area

Holly the mischievous Elf on a Shelf:  Came home to find my answering machine blinking with messages. Yes I still have a landline with an old time answering machine. Usually filled with messages from my mom … “Jaime.. are you there??? Call me..” 20 messages for one day is out of the ordinary though and I find it all a little bit curious. Pushed played with trepidation…  “Hello there lady” simmered a hoarse male voice “ I saw your Single and Ready to Mingle flyer on the phone pole at the corner of Broadway and Central Ave and I have to say I like what I saw. Call me at 555 – XXXX.” Shudder… Message 2 “Sexy ladddyyyy…….  Saw the flyer at the Dunkin Donuts and have to say you be looking fine in that Mrs. Clause suit. “ Skip.. Message 3 “ho ho ho… call me at..”  Message 5 “ (giggling) Jaime, this is Lisa M… I was at the library today and found an interesting flyer tacked to the front of the men’s room door as I passed by.  It said  SINGLE for the Holidays? Come to Hollypalooza this Friday Dec. 7^th at 13 XXXXX St. Everything else is in fine print sooooo…. Just a heads up”

  Message 5 “ HI Jaime, this is your pastor calling. Umm.. didn’t you see you at church last Sunday. Everything okay?”

REWARD: $10 for every flyer retrieved in the greater NH seacoast area with Jaime in a Mrs. Clause outfit (photo shop) or any mention of Hollypalooza….

Holly is turning me into the Crazy Cat Lady...

Holly has had a very busy morning. Apparently she had duped Lisa M. into giving her a ride to Cocheco Valley Humane Society to take a look at the kitties. Or so she told Lisa. I received a call from the shelter and was texted this photo as well. Conversation went more along these lines… “Ms. King, we would like to talk to you about your application for adoption. Your elf Holly has been gracious enough to pick out 4 cats that need a good home. We are a little concerned and would like clarification on a few things. Under occupation for Ms. King she listed Ball Buster by day and Mistress of the Darkness by night. Also under Comments section she listed the following: Who am I kidding. This lady gets excited when there is a new episode of Downington Abby. A big night out is dinner and a walk though of Barnes & Noble. I really think she needs to fulfill the title of Cat Lady BEFORE she hits 36 so I’m giving her the push she needs. Besides her online dating profile could use an updated picture of her napping on the couch surrounded by 6 cats....  Ms. King do you wish to update those responses on your application? Also just an FYI.. The cats are not a place for elves to lounge and nap. Fluffy does not appreciate being used as a Sleep Number Bed."

Letter from Santa: 1 psychotic elf for 1 Taylor Swift CD

I woke up this morning to find a letter from Santa. It was in response to my request for an elf swap. 1 psychotic elf for 1 playful silly good time elf. Here was his response;

Dear Jaime,

Thank you for your request. I am truly sympathetic towards your situation, but due to the budget cuts and travel costs I can not swap out your defective elf at this time. The reindeer are overworked (and Holly scares the droppings out of Rudolph) as it is and an single trip at this time would blow our budget this year and we are trying to stay within that number. What I can offer you is TWIN elves next year. Holly 2.0 and Jolly would make an excellent addition to your household. They were at the top of their class at Elf on the Shelf Academy. Holly sadly was at the bottom of her class past year, but with your patience and kind disposition I honestly thought you could make her your project and turn her around this Christmas season.

I would suggest slipping her some Children’s Tylenol each day to make her drowsy and more cooperative. As you know she’ll quickly build a resistance so you should up the dosage to NqQuil the closer you get to Christmas.

AS promised I will leave the Taylor Swift RED CD and take Holly but due to the holiday stress she is causing you I will also leave Season 1 and 2 of Downington Abby on Blue Ray as well. Possibly a Henry & Beezus 1st Edition if I can find one on Ebay. Nobody outbids Santa!.

Cheers and Good Luck.

Santa

Holly the Mischievous Elf loves her Bacardi and Magic Mike

Holly, My Elf on the Shelf, is about to get an eviction notice. I got a call from Comcast today regarding suspicious activity on my account. They wanted to know if I truly intended on ordering Magic Mike twice every night for the past week. I should have a 24 hour viewing window once I order a movie. Wouldn't it be cheaper if I just purchased it on DVD they wanted to know. Well I sorted that out right away. I'm afraid to look at my cell phone bill. Luckly 1 -900 numbers are a thing of the past. Holly needs a new home ASAP. I can't even go into the details of the nips I've found around the house. Bacardi seems to be a favorite of hers.....

Defective Factory Leftover Elf on the Shelf

I think I got the defective factory leftover Elf On The Shelf. Everyone is posting cute silly photos and I wake up most days and find my Elf glaring at me. First she was sitting on my dresser watching me, the next morning she was at the end of my bed, and TODAY welll she was a few inches from my face. Should I be worried? I wonder if Santa will do an elf swap. If i don't make it into work tomorrow.... please be concerned.