The Reindeer Have Unionized

Snow is falling softy... not a creature was stiring not a cat or an ELF!!  I slowly creapt into the living room and the tree lights were glowing with color and the presents left by Santa are waiting to be opened.

As I crouched down to retrieve my first gift a tiny hand emerged from within the tree producing a letter addressed to me and a tiny sing song voice sang out " I'm ......,. back..... or should I say I'm still heeerrreeee....."

WHAT!!!!!!  I ripped open the letter and read the following.

Dear Jaime,

I regret to inform you that I was unable to bring Holly back to the North Pole. The reindeer have unionized and have negotiated a new contract which they produced before we arrived at your house. It's a binding legal document so I'll paraphrase their terms and conditions so I won't bore you with all the legalize.

Rudolph has a doctor's note stating that he is very close to a nervous breakdown and suffers from anxiety. Holly scares the droppings out of him. She's shifty and always sneaking around. He needs to work in a safe environment.

Prancer still stands by his claim that Holly tampered with the fruitcake at last year's party and gave him the runs for days.

The reindeer threatened to strike and not deliver the rest of the presents beyond your house if that Elf came back with us. Now you don't want to disappoint all those children do you? Think about little Katie and her American Girl dog and Karysn and Kassidy and the rest of them.....

To be honest I think the reindeer are onto something. It appears that someone drank the milk and ate the super dooper cookies you made for me. Also when I placed your gifts under the tree that crazy elf jumped out of the tree with a "Boo" and frightened me. Glad I brought an extra pair of pants in case of emergency. First time I had to break those out. Those shifty eyes are creepy.

Sorry for the inconvenience, but I'm sure you understand. Think of the children.

Ohhh.... and apparantly Santa can be outbid on Ebay. I got sharked!!!  SoccerMomIndiana will be placed on the naughty list next year. Nobody gets in a bidding war with Santa. Please put Henry and Beezus on your list for next year.


Love,
Santa



What will I do with a mischevious elf until next Christmas? Stay tuned.......

Merrry Christmas! 

Who Needs Reindeer Games?

I've been a little bit busy working my seasonal second job in retail the past few days, which has lead to one very bored elf. She's been going a little stir crazy in the apartment. All her daytime shows have been replaced with Christmas classics like Frosty the Snowman, Christmas Vacation, etc.

My hall closet is filled to the brim with board games. I've been known to host a game night or two much to the delight of my friends. Apples to Apples anyone? Lame Lame Lame was Holly's response but she caved in. When I came home last night I found various games scattered across the living room as I stepped over empty soda cans and empty bags of Cheetos. I still find Holly's orange Cheeto's glow creepy. Shudder.

As I started putting away the games I noticed a common theme.

Game #1: Clue... Mrs. White in the living room with a dagger? NOPE... The final result was Holly The Elf in the Library with a shiv made from a candy cane.


    
Game # 2: Christmas Mad Lib by Holly The Elf
              

SINGLE FOR CHRISTMAS

Being a single  CAT LADY during the holidays can be royal pain in the FUNGUS TOE.  Sure, everyone would would like to spend a/an NOTORIUS  Christmas Day OVERATING  with their special KITTY.
 But being a/an SQUARE, single ACTION FIGURE does have its plus side. You can stay in your SOCK MONKEY  PAJAMAS  AND MOONWALK  in front of the TV all day watching  JEERY SPRINGER all day long.  You can drink as much PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPS as you want without embarassing your significant ELF, and you don't have to spend a fortune on a/an ONLINE DATING PROFILE for your FABULOUSLY FUNKY ELF. Spending Christmas alone really isn't so UNADVENTUROUS after all!!

Game# 3
Apples to Apples

Looks like Holly's personality is on the right and mine is on the left. :)

Game #4 Scrabble

Holly's bags are packed and are sitting by the front door waiting for the switch with Santa tonight. One mischevious elf for one Taylor Swift Red CD. . Possibly a first edition of Henry and Beezus as well.

I'm baking a batch of my special super dooper cookies for Santa tonight.Wish me luck. Tomorrow morning I should have my sanity back.

You've been invited to.......

I received the most unexpected invitation today.

You’ve been invited to………   be a guest on the MAURY POVICH SHOW!

It’s not uncommon between the hours of 2pm and 4pm daily to find Holly jumping on my couch yelling “Not the Baby Daddy, Not the Baby Daddy” while dancing around with joy. She’s addicted. If your cousin married your mama, but left her for your sister but not before putting your mama in the family way while denying it is his… THEN Holly gives your show two thumbs up.

Believe it or not the show is filmed in Connecticut so Holly signed us up online to be potential guests. Only problem is that we didn’t fall under the standard categories for a show like this. Please check all that apply.

-           I didn’t know my husband is really my biological brother. We’re from the same donor

-          I think my baby daddy is messing around with my sister and best friend.

-          My mama and I share the same boyfriend

-          My no good cheating boyfriend left me for my twin sister and took my dog but I still love him more than ever

-          I’m not sure who is my baby daddy

Holly selected the Other box and submitted the following:

-I think my defective factory left over Shelf on the Elf is stalking me and might be psychotic.  

-       How you can spot the warning signs.

          -   How do you cope when given a lame elf mommy?  

-          The 12 Step Elf Recovery Program… How to recover from your psychotic elf in time for the holidays next year.

-          Holly’s Guide to Shaking up Christmas and Letting the Good Times Roll

-          Holly’s tips on how to be a top notch creeper

                         AND

       - Confessions from a misunderstood elf

I'll post more details at a later date. Which segment do you think they will go with?

Holly: Side Effects May Vary

I felt holiday cheer was needed this past weekend and nothing makes me smile more than Christmas lights. I have a long commute home each night and nothing breaks up the of the monotony of the highway more than the back roads with its lush scenery; Snow covered fields and an abundance of homes twinkling white or dazzling with all the colors imaginable.

I love this time of year. We needed some good old fashioned fun that didn’t cost us a cent. Plans were made and Holly was game.

Hot chocolate was poured into thermos. Scarves were tied and overcoats were buttoned. Mismatched mittens/gloves were nestled around each  hand.  Wool hats shimmied down past the ears and with a tug each boot was on and we were ready to go.

Piled in the car with rosy cheeks bitten by the chill, we puttered around town basking in the glow of the illuminating Christmas cheer. Excitement was rising to a crescendo  with each house we passed.

Snowflakes danced in the wind with abandon. Red and green pulsed through the night and a rainbow palette twinkled back at me with a wink.  Blow up Santa’s wiggled and swayed with joy. If you peer a tiny bit closer, a snowman is waving hello. Reindeer are taking flight as visitors from far and wide are visiting a manager to behold a wondrous site.

Holly inquired why our little abode has only a few strings of light. My little snowflake lights warm my heart dearly as I flip the switch daily but with apartment living my balcony will have to do for now. AS I put the car in park and we stumbled inside overflowing with merriment, Holly declared that one day my house would be marvel to see. The best on the block at least.

The weekend flew by with no parties, arrests, and everyday tom foolery. Maybe my Elf on the Shelf was tired of her mischievous elf pranks. Christmas tunes jingle and jangled through my speakers as I drove home from errands as a glow illuminated the sky from my section of town. Like the north star it guided me home through the dark streets devoid of any color or light. Crowds were forming in the streets and spontaneous caroling filled the air. My car was abandoned as I walked the last block towards what was once an average two family dwelling on an average street.

Low and behold stood the white trash gingerbread house. Every inch was covered in some sort paraphernalia, like Santa threw up Christmas on my lawn. A blow up Homer Simpson was hanging with the Grinch. Three Wiseman were trapped in a candy cane maze, and a family of snowmen did the YMCA.  Not an inch of roof was uncovered without an assortment of lights except for the patch left for Santa’s sleigh which was commandeered by no other than Holly herself.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night.

Disclaimer: Side effects may vary….   Headaches, Vomiting, The uncontrollable urge to buy a double wide.

Slumber Party: Would you play Truth or Dare with a psychotic elf?

Did you ever have a friend growing up that all the parents loved? He/She was always a good influence and your parents never asked you where you were going if it was with that individual. Yes, I was THAT girl. Parents giving the third degree to a bunch of teenage girls going into the city on a Friday night “Where exactly are you going and what time will you… OH!! Jaime is going with you. Never mind. I’m sure you’ll stay out of trouble.”  Fast-forward a few hours later and I’m telling these same girls. “ummm… you know following those strange men we just met in a parking lot to a so called party doesn’t really seem like a good idea. Wouldn’t a burger at Friendly’s sound much better?”

I decided that Holly just needs to meet some nice friendly elves. A few calls were made and  Jolly, Jingle, Merry, Joyeux Noel, Mistletoe, and Rocky (I think her family missed the memo) trotted over in a perpetual chorus of giggles and mini sleeping bags in hand. Holly has never hosted a slumber party before so I made up an itinerary  for the night which included:

·         Hot chocolate loaded with marshmallows

·         String up popcorn and cranberry garland for the tree

·         Miracle on 34^th Street viewing

·         Bedtime reading of Good Night Moon

·         Truth or Dare ( Holly scribbled this in. I better keep an eye on that one)

The night went off without a hitch except for the tiny little meltdown when Mistletoe choose Truth and Holly made her say which family member she secretly wants to smother with a pillow while they slept. I had to intervene after tears fell and Mistletoe kept whimpering “But I LOVE everyone and never have homicidal thoughts!” Note to self.. Sleep with one eye open from now until Christmas!

I tucked in the sweet little elves and called it an evening. Sweet dreams…..

I woke up in the early hours for work and the 6 little elves were lined up in a row snoring peacefully. Too cute. As I switched on the lamp and peered a little bit closer I noticed that each elf had a letter write across her forehead with a black sharpie. L-O-S-E-R-S……..   I frantically grabbed rubbing alcohol and tried to minimize the damage to no avail but that wasn’t the only issue. Two of the faces were so heavily made up it looks like a street walker with an unsteady hand gave them a make-over using an entire Crayola box of crayons.  I haven’t seen eye shadow that blue since the 80s.

One little elf that shall remain nameless was sleeping away with her hand in a bowl of water. Does that myth still exist?  Yep, it sure does and elves are not immune. One sleeping bag in the wash and a fresh change of clothes needed.

No more sleepovers and play dates for Holly. She’s on the official banned list.

As I rushed for work and opened the freezer to grab my lean cuisine I pulled out the tiniest little frozen elf bra as well. Some pranks are still timeless after all.

Holly JD Elf knows how to jazz up a Christmas card

Holly has been a little pooped lately from all her of misadventures and has taken up watching the Game Show Network all day long while inhaling Cheetos and yelling out her guess on The Price is Right.  “Fool…. I said 1 dollar!!!!”   The orange Cheetos smile glows like a jack o lantern and is a little creepier than normal if there ever is such a thing as normal with Holly JD Elf.

After a tiresome day of “playing” 20,000 Pyramid and Wheel of Fortune, Holly asked if she could help me with my Christmas card list. I was taken aback by our moment of bonding and gave her the task of addressing all the envelopes.

I take great pride in selecting cute retro Christmas cards of old times past. Maybe a nativity scene or a snowy landscape or a holly jolly Santa.  Either way a card that brings back memories  of our youth. I’ll jot down a quick note wishing a blessed new year and good health, etc.

Old timey cards are a thing of the past though.  Most are of families sitting on the beach with glowing sun kissed skin, or maybe a picturesque family building a snowman with a letter of achievements this past year.

Holly asked if I was going to do a family photo Christmas card and I said I don’t think my friends far and wide are interested in a picture of me and my two cats, and an unruly elf. Holly pondered this and said true, but it would be a heck of a lot more interesting. I do give her that. I finished up my Norman Rockwell cards and called it a night.

AS I left the next morning I trusted Holly with the task of mailing out my cards. Every relationship must have a little bit of trust in order to succeed… correct?

A few days have passed and Holly left me a little present when I woke up this morning. I’ve mentioned previously that she is a whiz at Photoshop, and Holly put her skills to use. I found a new and improved family Christmas card that went out to everyone on my list.

Yes, that is me in a Mrs. Claus suit and Daisy and Mittens are dressed as reindeer. And who is that next to me dressed as Santa? Well dressed as Santa would be a loose description considering he is only wearing red felt pants and a Santa hat displaying some rock hard abs. Now it can’t be…. Yes that would be Ryan Gosling on my arm with a smiling unruly Holly Jolly Elf sitting on his shoulder with one arm around his neck.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM THE GOSLINGS!!

Ryan, Jaime, Mittens, Daisy, and the AWESOME Holly JD Elf

Our year rocked and if only you could be as fabulous as we are!!

No one ever said Holly was modest and she is right.. I think my card was a heck of a lot more interesting than everyone else and also a tiny bit delusional…

Holly supports the local public library

Most days during my lunch break I pop over to the local library to check out or return a book or two. The librarians know me by name and I frequently request books through interlibrary loan, etc.  It’s not uncommon to receive a warm greeting and a reminder that “Jaime, the newest Maeve Binchy book you placed on hold has come in..” etc.

As I sauntered past the front desk this afternoon, Laura ( the greatest librarian that has ever walked this earth) informed me that I had a few titles that have trickled in and are on hold for me. Hmm.. that’s strange. I only have a few titles in my queue and last I checked I was still far down on the waiting list. I grabbed the items from the holds shelf with my name on it and was perplexed by what I found.

The A to Z Encyclopedia of a Serial Killer

Helter Skelter

Silent Night Deadly Night

Cocktails Made Easy

As I perused through the titles in a state of confusion, Laura sidles up to me and whispers.. “ umm. There are a few more titles that came in as well for you and are behind the desk if you know what I mean.” I think I do, but I’m not sure that I want to. I let out an embarrassed chuckle and told Laura “ Oh.. I didn’t reserve these titles, my elf Holly must have with my library card.” Laura just gives me a wink, ‘Sure, your Elf…. Oh and the newest Pretty Little Liars book came in for you as well. Did your Elf reserve that too.”

Hmmm…. I think she did.