Guess who's back...

Last March I came home to found a note on my counter that read, I'm blowing this pop stand! Peace Out, Holly And that is the last I heard from that deranged elf.... As I stirred in the early morning hours the sound of a little drummer boy was thumping in my ears. I've always found that tune to be just a tad bit creepy and only seemed fitting as I slowly opened my eyes to find Holly sitting on my chest staring intently into my face with what possibly appeared to be red jam smeared across her face. I'M BACCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK......... HEEEERRRREEEEEEEE'S HOOOOLLLLLLYYYYYY.... Aughh...... I always knew deep down this might happen but it doesn't change the fact that I still might have peed my pants just a little. I don't like suprises and Holly with a red smeared face is one of them. I have one questions for your Miss Jaime? Did you rob a jam factory, because your cupboard is filled to the brim with jam. If I've told you once I've told you a million times if you are planning a heist the following places should be considered first. 1. A Bank.... for obvious reasons 2. A Liquor store.... for obvious reasons 3. Mr. Fickle's Kazoo, Tambourine and Cymbal Shop for reasons he knows why.... JAM FACTORY IS NOT AT THE TOP OF THE LIST! Did you learn anything from me while I graced you with my presence last Christmas? Actually Holly I got a new job and... Holly rolls her eyes. Blah Blah Blah is what I'm hearing. I'm bored already. So Santa gave me my trust fund aka hush money for not blowing the whistle on his little elf sweat shop so I decided to spend a few weeks of debuachy jet setting around the world until I woke up in the gutter in Bangkok, broke with some symbol tattooed on my arm which losely translates into Satan's Spawn. So I'm without funds and thinking I need cash fast so I put my computer skills to use and accepted a job working on the Affordable Health Care website I did such a great job that they gave me a bonus called a Severance Package, and I decided to take my moolah and high tail it to New Hampshire to check in on my Sexy Jam Lady. Ummm.. Don't call me that. Too late. Embrace and Accept it. I have one question for you. Do you stil have my Barbie Corvette and are the local po po ready for us this holiday season?

Holly Rules, Charlotte Drools

Holly can be many things, but jealous is not something that ranks high on the list or so I used to think.

Today is my friend Charlotte’s birthday.

Charlotte is the type of friend that when you are singing silently to yourself she will join in. Charlotte is the type of friend that when you say lets crash the bouncy house at a graduation party she will do so with glee. A friend that thinks it is not odd at all that you have a psycho mischievous elf living in a Barbie Dream Condo in your spare back room.

 I wish I had a friend like this growing up. Just be yourself, have fun, and let the world pass you by without a care of what they think. Two quirky fun loving gals taking the world by storm.

I had my suspicions about Holly though. When Charlotte came over for Knitting In Your Lounge Pants While Watching Movies Sunday, Holly would unravel her knitting projects when she left the room.

Maybe it was Holly that scribbled in red lipstick HOLLY RULES,  CHARLOTTE DROOLS  on the hood of her car the last time she visited.

I asked Holly, what is your issue with Charlotte and she just grumbled “ She’s from Vermont.” So, what do you have against Vermonters?” Holly levels her gaze “Oh….. she knows why….. AND MAYBE IT WOULDN’T HURT TO TAKE ME TO WEDNESDAY TRIVIA ONCE IN AWHILE. I CAN WIN FREE DRINKS TOO YOU KNOW!!!”

So my little psycho elf is jealous after all. I will have to think of some common hobbies we can share that doesn’t include fashioning weapons out of candy canes or  creating voodoo Santa dolls. Any suggestions are welcomed. Good clean fun y’all.

I had a little talk with Holly assured her that I’m positive Charlotte would like to be her friend as well. Maybe we can stop with all the mischief and do something nice for her birthday. I’ll add $20 to her fund and she can create a fabulous little treat that makes a statement. That statement being I’M NOT A JEALOUS PSYCHOTIC ELF AND WOULD LIKE TO BE YOUR ZANY ELF FRIEND.”

Holly has been hard at work and came up with a few birthday ideas that would impress Charlotte.

1.       Hire Sigfried and Roy to host birthday party on Saturday

2.       Turn Katie and Tamsyn’s apartment into a real life Candy Land for her birthday party

3.       Finish Dover BINGO project

4.       Buy Charlotte pet Llama and give Goat Man competition ( old man that walks his pet goat downtown).

5.       One Way ticket to Bora Bora……. ( Holly…… be nice.)

I’m not sure if the $20 will stretch to cover any of these ideas, but I think a homemade card, mixed tape, and cake with a scary clown on top will do.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LADY CHARLOTTE!!!!!!

Holly, Thin Mints and the Girl Scouts

On my honor, I will try:To serve God and my country,
To help people at all times,
And to live by the Girl Scout Law.

Girl Scouts.. such fond memories. Building confidence, volunteering, sell cookies and working towards badges.

Goals, selflessness, building character... yes this is exactly what  Holly needs. No more cruising after hours in the Barbie corvette, no more trips to the police station. Holly needs additional role models besides myself of course. Holly was resistant at first claiming that it sounds like one of those hippie dippie cults singing about sunshine and happiness. How do I know that they aren't going to brainwash her and ask her to stand on a corner asking for money for their cause. Well I was a Girl Scout for many years and look how I turned out. Holly just nods and murmers well that validates all my previous suspicions...

A quick jaunt up into the attic provides a trip down memory lane. Brown polyester jumper dress, sashes filled to the brim with badges with no room for more to be added. A felt brownie beanie and my patches for top cookie seller 1984, 1985, 1986, etc.

Holly joined the local troop and all appeared to be well. Weekends volunteering at the nursing home. She even donated a few contraband books the residents asked for. Her heart was in the right place I think.

Things were going so well until cookie season came upon us. Elves are known for their competitive nature. It's not their fault really. Santa feeds fuel to the fire by offering awards and incentives to those that meet quota far and beyond expectations. If you don't meet quota...well....things are no longer snowflakes, candycanes, and gum drops.

Holly was excited to sell cookies and wanted to know what awards are offered and incentives to sell the most for your troop. The troop leader explained that the funds go towards attending Camp Fireside. Well that wasn't going to do.  Holly came up with her own incentives amongst the girls.  First place earns not only top badge, BUT a petition to have a new cookie named after her next selling season. Only rule is there are no rules. Most definitly not the Girl Scout motto but Holly was running this show.

Those girls were no match for Holly. She took her cue from another nostalgic snack. Twinkie and Snowball. Now girl scout cookies are only offered once a year.What do you do when you no something will no longer be offered? You buy up inventory and rise prices at a later date when mercandise is out of stock and no longer available. Now that Twinkies are no longer offered, everyone suddently wants one.

So that is how I came to have my back room filled floor to ceilling with cases of Thin Mints, Shortbread, etc. Holly used her allowance from Santa to buy up the stock offered for her troop. Her plan is to sell them on Ebay for a huge profit. Begrudingly top prize and badge was bestowed upon Holly. 15 sullen girls will be off to Camp Fireside this summer and Holly's membership has been rescinded. Not before a petition was submitted for a new cookie next year CANDY CANE CRAZY CRUNCH. A slight change from the original submission which was PSYCHO ELF DELIGHT.

Holly has her own sash with her one cookie top seller patch. Even though she is no longer a Girl Scout she has assured me she can think of several badges she can come up with and earn on her own. Lord please help me. I better not see a Start Your Own Meth Lab badge or Adopt a Inmate badge or Fight to the Death skills badge..

Bread, Milk, Candy, and Beer? Priorities for a Blizzard.

Blizzard 2013 is here and Holly is beside herself with glee.

Prepartions had to be made of course which included battling the local super market which was a scary experience. Fear seized me as I crossed the threshold. Carts blocked the aisles, people had that crazed look in their eyes so I grabbed the few things on my list and got the heck out of Dodge.

Holly inspected my goods and exclaimed "You are a New Englander!! This isn't your first time at the rodeo. Where's the chips? Where's the Cheetos, Where's the brownie mix, beef jerky and most important of all WHERE'S THE CANDY!!"

Holly has a point (well except about being a New Englander. I'm from the mid west but I did live in upstate New York my last two years of high school which was good prepartion for New England winters), if you are going to be snowed in for a few days, junk food is a must.

I gave a sheepish shrug and Holly rolled her eyes with disgust. Holly explained to me that her time at the North Pole has taught her a few things about harsh winters. Take Santa for example.

Q: Why do you think Santa is round and pudgy?
A:  Not from all the cookies on Christmas obviously. He's holed up in the North Pole snowed in while the elves slave away year round making toys. Santa spends his time eating cake, chips, fried mushrooms, etc. while watching Real Houswives of Atlanta marathons.

Q: Why do you think Santa is so rosy and jolly all the time?
A: He's snowed in with his collection of Budwiser, Padbst Blue Ribbon, Heinekin, etc. In some states he's more likely to arrive at a house with a bottle of Bud and a bag of pretzels left out instead of milk and cookies. You'd be a fool to think that sleigh arrvies back home empty. For every 5 presents that leave the sleigh a bottle of fine liquor goes back in.

Q:  Why do you think Reindeer play Reindeer games?
A:  To not go stir crazy with cabin fever. I keep telling you Rudolph is a little bit off. He was excluded from reindeer  games in his early years as we all know from that silly little song.

To drive her point home Holly said "Tell me what the person before you and after you in line was buying at the super market?"

The lady in front of me had a bag of apples and a 30 pack of beer and the lady behind me was buying a carton of ciggies.

Holly hurls a carton of yogurt at me and yells "PRIORITIES JAIME!!! PRIORITIES!!""

"Next time at least buy a pack of Twizzlers and a bag Cool Ranch Doritoes when preparing to ride out a blizzard. Geesh.."

As for snowed in activities, I think an 80's movie marathon is in order. Holly disagrees and thinks The Shining is the perfect snowed in movie. I think I can change her mind with the two Johns's of the 80's: John Cusack and John Hughes.

T Minus 10 until lazy snowed in activies again. Holly just needs to stop obsessing over her Blizzard 2013 Squares. She's informed me that I work with a bunch of gamblers. She emailed out the Cubes on Friday morning and she has a  lot money at stake on 30 inches by noon Saturday. Her biggest threat is Wanda in Order Entry and Jenn in whatever the heck she does to keep the network and technical stuff up and running at work.

Ohh.. and don't even mention Susan in Sales. She won the 1st and 2nd quarter for the  Super Bowl Squares and Holly defriended her on my Facebook page. Reminds me that I need to change my password AGAIN.

New Barbie Corvette + Mischievous Elf = Run in with the PoPo

Nothing burns my biscuits more than being pulled out of my bed in the middle of the night in sub zero weather and hauling butt down to the police station to bail out an unruly elf.

Let me back up and start at the beginning.

It’s been a month since Holly’s living situation has become more permanent and to my great relief the house is still standing. It hasn’t burned down to the ground, no gambling ring has been set up in my residence, no illegal elves are in the basement, etc. A few minor mishaps here and there but nothing major. If Holly can go 30 days incident free, a reward will be given and for the month of January she has been issued the much highly anticipated Barbie Corvette.

1977 Factory Issued Model still in the box. I have to admit my eyes gleamed with excitement just as much as Holly’s. My Barbie could never afford the Corvette, she had to do with a broken down RV purchased off someone’s lawn in North Carolina.

It was a rookie mistake not issuing any ground rules for the new Corvette first thing, but I was just so exhausted that I figured it could wait until the morning. As I made my way to bed, Holly was adding fuzzy dice to her rear view mirror as she checked out her reflection.

I got the call around 2am from the local police department. My Elf had been picked up for DUI down by the Dunkin Donuts. Rage consumed me and I blew into the police station. That elf better wish the police decide to book her for a few days than face my fury.

My anger turned to confusion though as I meet with the cop on duty.

Local Cop: “Yeah… Your Elf is freaking me out. We spotted a tiny purple corvette driving erratically around 1am outside the Dunkin Donuts. The car keep circling the drive-thru even though they weren’t open. When I put my lights on, that tiny car tried to take us on a “high” speed chase but considering the corvette only goes around 15 mph it didn’t take much effort to stop her car.  Restraining her took some muscle though.”

Me: “How’s that possible. She’s only 12 inches high and weighs 2 pounds. You’ve got at least 200 pounds on her”

Local Cop:  “That is where the DUI comes in. She’s on something. I had to call for back up and it took 4 cops to cuff her. Her eyes were spinning around like a top and her body was trying to move in 10 different directions.”

The cop shows me surveillance video of Holly in the booking room zooming around in a blur. Next came the mug shot photo of Holly with huge Bug Crazy Eyes and 4 cops holding her down to keep her still for the photo. She looked like she was going to burst out of her own skin.

Cop hands me a plastic baggie with purple and pink residue in it.

Local Cop: “We found this in the car. I’ve been on the force for 10 years and have never seen anything like this. Since this is my first elf encounter I was hoping you could shed some light on what this might be and also saves me from potential embarrassment if this isn’t something legit”

I take the bag and hold it up to my nose for a sniff and dip my pinkie it remaining residue for a taste.

Hmmm……..

Me: “it appears to be a Holly Concoction of Pixie Sticks, Fun Dip, Crushed Nerds, and Raw Sugar all mixed together forming a fine powder.  My unruly elf appears to be under the influence of a boat load of sugar. She’s isn’t drunk or high, just hopped up on candy and over dosing a tiny bit. That would explain her overly hyper actions. Has she crashed yet?”

Local Cop: “Ummm… that’s the part that terrifies me the most. All of us here at the station tonight would like to forget this incident and put it behind us. WE don’t want to see it on You Tube or Odd News Stories on the internet, etc. We’ll dismiss bail and forgot this ever happened if you’ll just take that scary elf home. She’s shifty, sneaky, and freaks me out quite a bit.

He leads me to a holding cell where a very angry looking elf is being restrained. She is crashing down hard. Holly was released into my care and the Barbie Corvette has been placed in the impound lot (back of my hallway closet) until further notice.

Holly didn’t INTEND to sneak out of the house for a joy ride. She was out of her “Holly  Powder” and just needed a fix. She thought a dozen donuts from Dunkin Donuts would do and if it’s any consolation she was going to have them throw in a couple of chocolate frosted which are my favorite.

Dateline: To Catch An Elf

Remember when you were younger and were finally old enough to be left home alone? You always knew when they were going to be home so the scene was set about 20 minutes beforehand.  TV was switched off and the homework was  laid out. All traces of junk food, soda, etc. was put away. You get the idea.

I feel that way every single day when I come home from work. Holly is usually snuggled up on the couch watching old episodes of Jerry

Springer (which she knows I detest) or maybe one of her game show favorites. It just seems a little too neatly packaged for me. I’m on to her and decided that I needed to take the Chris Hansen route. DATELINE: To Catch an Elf……

I borrowed a few old nanny cams and also a brand new video baby monitor and began placing them strategically placed around the house along with my web cam.  What does she do between the hours of 6am and 6pm?

Binge eating Fun Dip and Pixie Sticks followed by  cup after cup of red Kool-Aid.  (sigh.. I always wondered why her mouth was tinged red. Kool-aid, not blood), managing her Ebay store (Wait… what is she selling on Ebay? Is that my high school cheerleading poster?),  and corresponding with her new pen pals at Sing Sing.

I have a sneaky suspicion that Holly has caught on though. Even though I check in from time to time with my web cam, I haven’t viewed the nanny cam footage until last night.  She has figured out where they are placed though and has decided to use it as confessional as seen in reality shows.

Holly is front and center whispering into the grainy footage.

“Day 22 of Exile.. 

Crazy Cat Girl is really getting on my nerves. Yes, she’s been feeding me and providing shelter with  Barbie Dream Condo and possibly a Corvette pending good behavior, BUT does she really need to act like Miss Susie Sunshine 24/7. It’s irritating.  She is getting on my last nerve.

If she sings “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” while getting ready for bed at night ONE MORE TIME, I think a b-slap is in order!

(camera is knocked over and righted again as Holly gets all shifty and paranoid)

Please help me! It’s cuteness overload. Kitties, musicals, cookies in the oven, Buddy Holly on the radio, Anne of Green Gable readings, crocheting/knitting circle, Sunday School attending. And on and on and on…”

(Holly makes strangling , death noises and whispers in a haggard voice)

 Deathhhhhh byyyyyy goooody gooooodynessssss  

SAVEEEEEE MMMMEEEEEEEEE”

Chore Boy... New England's Answer to a Cabana Boy

I spent this past weekend quarantined  in my apartment with a stomach bug while Holly spent her time drinking the last of my diet coke while holed up in her Barbie Dream Condo with a stack of Harlequin novels.

When I asked Holly for a little bit of assistance she replied “I’m not your indentured servant and if I wanted to see a pathetic girl hurling I would revisit my last 5 spring breaks in Cancun”  A DO NOT DISTURB sign was staked in front of the Condo and I was left alone suffering on the couch watching Lifetime Original Movies. 

Is it too much to expect a tiny bit of sympathy from my psycho elf?  I don’t think Holly felt any sympathy but she did see an opportunity. The next morning I found her sitting at the kitchen table compiling a Help Wanted AD.  

   Local Elf and her Lonely Binging Roommate seek Chore Boy

I reminded Holly that I do not purge or binge so she made a minor correction.

Sassy Local Elf and her Cat Crazy Boy Band Loving Roommate seek Chore Boy

Ummmm.. I haven’t obsessed over any boy bands since 1988. NKOTB you are always in my heart!

Slightly Crazy Sassy Local Elf and her Cat Crazy Secretly Wishes She was Taylor Swift Roommate seek Chore Boy

Augh…. We will work on that later. What the heck is a Chore Boy? Holly said it’s the New England version of a Cabana Boy . Flannel and work boots instead of Ray Bans and swim trunks. You know page 20 – 35 in the back of the JCREW catalog.

Holly said my whining and moaning for a cup of water to quench my thirst last night in my feverish stupor gave her an idea. Wouldn’t it just be easier to call out or ring a bell and say “Chore Boy… water please”? or  “Chore Boy…. Scoop the litter box” or  “Chore boy, shovel the driveway while we watch”  “Chore Boy.. run down to the Packie for a six pack and some smokes since elves do not have proper id”

“Chore Boy.. do not let elf convince you to buy alcohol, smokes, chew, Sudafed, cough syrup, anything for huffing etc. or you will FACE MY WRATH”

I asked how we were going to pay for Chore Boy’s services and she thought maybe my landlord would include CB with my new lease which comes up next month.  Holly said she is a whiz with making additions to the fine print. I nixed this idea since my landlord is awesome and it’s enough that he is willing to come over after a hard days work to reinstall all the shower fixtures, etc. that came crashing down when I was standing on the edge of the bathtub at 5:30 in the morning trying to kill a spider with the shower running. Luckily I didn’t kill myself. Yeah.. it would be bad enough being found by my landlord or neighbor dead on the bathroom floor BUT dead and naked with a slipper in my hand and a smashed spider on the ceiling….  Even in death I would be mortified.

Holly is still compiling her list of requirements and is consulting with our downstairs neighbor to help chip in etc.

TO BE CONTINUED…..