Nothing burns my biscuits more than being pulled out of my bed in the middle of the night in sub zero weather and hauling butt down to the police station to bail out an unruly elf.
Let me back up and start at the beginning.
It’s been a month since Holly’s living situation has become more permanent and to my great relief the house is still standing. It hasn’t burned down to the ground, no gambling ring has been set up in my residence, no illegal elves are in the basement, etc. A few minor mishaps here and there but nothing major. If Holly can go 30 days incident free, a reward will be given and for the month of January she has been issued the much highly anticipated Barbie Corvette.
1977 Factory Issued Model still in the box. I have to admit my eyes gleamed with excitement just as much as Holly’s. My Barbie could never afford the Corvette, she had to do with a broken down RV purchased off someone’s lawn in North Carolina.
It was a rookie mistake not issuing any ground rules for the new Corvette first thing, but I was just so exhausted that I figured it could wait until the morning. As I made my way to bed, Holly was adding fuzzy dice to her rear view mirror as she checked out her reflection.
I got the call around 2am from the local police department. My Elf had been picked up for DUI down by the Dunkin Donuts. Rage consumed me and I blew into the police station. That elf better wish the police decide to book her for a few days than face my fury.
My anger turned to confusion though as I meet with the cop on duty.
Local Cop: “Yeah… Your Elf is freaking me out. We spotted a tiny purple corvette driving erratically around 1am outside the Dunkin Donuts. The car keep circling the drive-thru even though they weren’t open. When I put my lights on, that tiny car tried to take us on a “high” speed chase but considering the corvette only goes around 15 mph it didn’t take much effort to stop her car. Restraining her took some muscle though.”
Me: “How’s that possible. She’s only 12 inches high and weighs 2 pounds. You’ve got at least 200 pounds on her”
Local Cop: “That is where the DUI comes in. She’s on something. I had to call for back up and it took 4 cops to cuff her. Her eyes were spinning around like a top and her body was trying to move in 10 different directions.”
The cop shows me surveillance video of Holly in the booking room zooming around in a blur. Next came the mug shot photo of Holly with huge Bug Crazy Eyes and 4 cops holding her down to keep her still for the photo. She looked like she was going to burst out of her own skin.
Cop hands me a plastic baggie with purple and pink residue in it.
Local Cop: “We found this in the car. I’ve been on the force for 10 years and have never seen anything like this. Since this is my first elf encounter I was hoping you could shed some light on what this might be and also saves me from potential embarrassment if this isn’t something legit”
I take the bag and hold it up to my nose for a sniff and dip my pinkie it remaining residue for a taste.
Hmmm……..
Me: “it appears to be a Holly Concoction of Pixie Sticks, Fun Dip, Crushed Nerds, and Raw Sugar all mixed together forming a fine powder. My unruly elf appears to be under the influence of a boat load of sugar. She’s isn’t drunk or high, just hopped up on candy and over dosing a tiny bit. That would explain her overly hyper actions. Has she crashed yet?”
Local Cop: “Ummm… that’s the part that terrifies me the most. All of us here at the station tonight would like to forget this incident and put it behind us. WE don’t want to see it on You Tube or Odd News Stories on the internet, etc. We’ll dismiss bail and forgot this ever happened if you’ll just take that scary elf home. She’s shifty, sneaky, and freaks me out quite a bit.
He leads me to a holding cell where a very angry looking elf is being restrained. She is crashing down hard. Holly was released into my care and the Barbie Corvette has been placed in the impound lot (back of my hallway closet) until further notice.
Holly didn’t INTEND to sneak out of the house for a joy ride. She was out of her “Holly Powder” and just needed a fix. She thought a dozen donuts from Dunkin Donuts would do and if it’s any consolation she was going to have them throw in a couple of chocolate frosted which are my favorite.
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