New Barbie Corvette + Mischievous Elf = Run in with the PoPo

Nothing burns my biscuits more than being pulled out of my bed in the middle of the night in sub zero weather and hauling butt down to the police station to bail out an unruly elf.

Let me back up and start at the beginning.

It’s been a month since Holly’s living situation has become more permanent and to my great relief the house is still standing. It hasn’t burned down to the ground, no gambling ring has been set up in my residence, no illegal elves are in the basement, etc. A few minor mishaps here and there but nothing major. If Holly can go 30 days incident free, a reward will be given and for the month of January she has been issued the much highly anticipated Barbie Corvette.

1977 Factory Issued Model still in the box. I have to admit my eyes gleamed with excitement just as much as Holly’s. My Barbie could never afford the Corvette, she had to do with a broken down RV purchased off someone’s lawn in North Carolina.

It was a rookie mistake not issuing any ground rules for the new Corvette first thing, but I was just so exhausted that I figured it could wait until the morning. As I made my way to bed, Holly was adding fuzzy dice to her rear view mirror as she checked out her reflection.

I got the call around 2am from the local police department. My Elf had been picked up for DUI down by the Dunkin Donuts. Rage consumed me and I blew into the police station. That elf better wish the police decide to book her for a few days than face my fury.

My anger turned to confusion though as I meet with the cop on duty.

Local Cop: “Yeah… Your Elf is freaking me out. We spotted a tiny purple corvette driving erratically around 1am outside the Dunkin Donuts. The car keep circling the drive-thru even though they weren’t open. When I put my lights on, that tiny car tried to take us on a “high” speed chase but considering the corvette only goes around 15 mph it didn’t take much effort to stop her car.  Restraining her took some muscle though.”

Me: “How’s that possible. She’s only 12 inches high and weighs 2 pounds. You’ve got at least 200 pounds on her”

Local Cop:  “That is where the DUI comes in. She’s on something. I had to call for back up and it took 4 cops to cuff her. Her eyes were spinning around like a top and her body was trying to move in 10 different directions.”

The cop shows me surveillance video of Holly in the booking room zooming around in a blur. Next came the mug shot photo of Holly with huge Bug Crazy Eyes and 4 cops holding her down to keep her still for the photo. She looked like she was going to burst out of her own skin.

Cop hands me a plastic baggie with purple and pink residue in it.

Local Cop: “We found this in the car. I’ve been on the force for 10 years and have never seen anything like this. Since this is my first elf encounter I was hoping you could shed some light on what this might be and also saves me from potential embarrassment if this isn’t something legit”

I take the bag and hold it up to my nose for a sniff and dip my pinkie it remaining residue for a taste.

Hmmm……..

Me: “it appears to be a Holly Concoction of Pixie Sticks, Fun Dip, Crushed Nerds, and Raw Sugar all mixed together forming a fine powder.  My unruly elf appears to be under the influence of a boat load of sugar. She’s isn’t drunk or high, just hopped up on candy and over dosing a tiny bit. That would explain her overly hyper actions. Has she crashed yet?”

Local Cop: “Ummm… that’s the part that terrifies me the most. All of us here at the station tonight would like to forget this incident and put it behind us. WE don’t want to see it on You Tube or Odd News Stories on the internet, etc. We’ll dismiss bail and forgot this ever happened if you’ll just take that scary elf home. She’s shifty, sneaky, and freaks me out quite a bit.

He leads me to a holding cell where a very angry looking elf is being restrained. She is crashing down hard. Holly was released into my care and the Barbie Corvette has been placed in the impound lot (back of my hallway closet) until further notice.

Holly didn’t INTEND to sneak out of the house for a joy ride. She was out of her “Holly  Powder” and just needed a fix. She thought a dozen donuts from Dunkin Donuts would do and if it’s any consolation she was going to have them throw in a couple of chocolate frosted which are my favorite.

Dateline: To Catch An Elf

Remember when you were younger and were finally old enough to be left home alone? You always knew when they were going to be home so the scene was set about 20 minutes beforehand.  TV was switched off and the homework was  laid out. All traces of junk food, soda, etc. was put away. You get the idea.

I feel that way every single day when I come home from work. Holly is usually snuggled up on the couch watching old episodes of Jerry

Springer (which she knows I detest) or maybe one of her game show favorites. It just seems a little too neatly packaged for me. I’m on to her and decided that I needed to take the Chris Hansen route. DATELINE: To Catch an Elf……

I borrowed a few old nanny cams and also a brand new video baby monitor and began placing them strategically placed around the house along with my web cam.  What does she do between the hours of 6am and 6pm?

Binge eating Fun Dip and Pixie Sticks followed by  cup after cup of red Kool-Aid.  (sigh.. I always wondered why her mouth was tinged red. Kool-aid, not blood), managing her Ebay store (Wait… what is she selling on Ebay? Is that my high school cheerleading poster?),  and corresponding with her new pen pals at Sing Sing.

I have a sneaky suspicion that Holly has caught on though. Even though I check in from time to time with my web cam, I haven’t viewed the nanny cam footage until last night.  She has figured out where they are placed though and has decided to use it as confessional as seen in reality shows.

Holly is front and center whispering into the grainy footage.

“Day 22 of Exile.. 

Crazy Cat Girl is really getting on my nerves. Yes, she’s been feeding me and providing shelter with  Barbie Dream Condo and possibly a Corvette pending good behavior, BUT does she really need to act like Miss Susie Sunshine 24/7. It’s irritating.  She is getting on my last nerve.

If she sings “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” while getting ready for bed at night ONE MORE TIME, I think a b-slap is in order!

(camera is knocked over and righted again as Holly gets all shifty and paranoid)

Please help me! It’s cuteness overload. Kitties, musicals, cookies in the oven, Buddy Holly on the radio, Anne of Green Gable readings, crocheting/knitting circle, Sunday School attending. And on and on and on…”

(Holly makes strangling , death noises and whispers in a haggard voice)

 Deathhhhhh byyyyyy goooody gooooodynessssss  

SAVEEEEEE MMMMEEEEEEEEE”

Chore Boy... New England's Answer to a Cabana Boy

I spent this past weekend quarantined  in my apartment with a stomach bug while Holly spent her time drinking the last of my diet coke while holed up in her Barbie Dream Condo with a stack of Harlequin novels.

When I asked Holly for a little bit of assistance she replied “I’m not your indentured servant and if I wanted to see a pathetic girl hurling I would revisit my last 5 spring breaks in Cancun”  A DO NOT DISTURB sign was staked in front of the Condo and I was left alone suffering on the couch watching Lifetime Original Movies. 

Is it too much to expect a tiny bit of sympathy from my psycho elf?  I don’t think Holly felt any sympathy but she did see an opportunity. The next morning I found her sitting at the kitchen table compiling a Help Wanted AD.  

   Local Elf and her Lonely Binging Roommate seek Chore Boy

I reminded Holly that I do not purge or binge so she made a minor correction.

Sassy Local Elf and her Cat Crazy Boy Band Loving Roommate seek Chore Boy

Ummmm.. I haven’t obsessed over any boy bands since 1988. NKOTB you are always in my heart!

Slightly Crazy Sassy Local Elf and her Cat Crazy Secretly Wishes She was Taylor Swift Roommate seek Chore Boy

Augh…. We will work on that later. What the heck is a Chore Boy? Holly said it’s the New England version of a Cabana Boy . Flannel and work boots instead of Ray Bans and swim trunks. You know page 20 – 35 in the back of the JCREW catalog.

Holly said my whining and moaning for a cup of water to quench my thirst last night in my feverish stupor gave her an idea. Wouldn’t it just be easier to call out or ring a bell and say “Chore Boy… water please”? or  “Chore Boy…. Scoop the litter box” or  “Chore boy, shovel the driveway while we watch”  “Chore Boy.. run down to the Packie for a six pack and some smokes since elves do not have proper id”

“Chore Boy.. do not let elf convince you to buy alcohol, smokes, chew, Sudafed, cough syrup, anything for huffing etc. or you will FACE MY WRATH”

I asked how we were going to pay for Chore Boy’s services and she thought maybe my landlord would include CB with my new lease which comes up next month.  Holly said she is a whiz with making additions to the fine print. I nixed this idea since my landlord is awesome and it’s enough that he is willing to come over after a hard days work to reinstall all the shower fixtures, etc. that came crashing down when I was standing on the edge of the bathtub at 5:30 in the morning trying to kill a spider with the shower running. Luckily I didn’t kill myself. Yeah.. it would be bad enough being found by my landlord or neighbor dead on the bathroom floor BUT dead and naked with a slipper in my hand and a smashed spider on the ceiling….  Even in death I would be mortified.

Holly is still compiling her list of requirements and is consulting with our downstairs neighbor to help chip in etc.

TO BE CONTINUED…..

Will Pottery Barn and Crate & Barrel Ever Have a Market for Elf-sized Furnishing?

How is it even possible to be banned from store/sites like Pottery Barn, Crate & Barrel and Ethan Allen?

Well a few  notices came in the mail this past week addressed to Holly JD Elf. What does JD stand for? I’ve had inquires so I will let you know her full name is Holly Jolly Darling Elf. Not so Jolly Darling after all. We will work on that before next Christmas.

Here is a sample letter from a well known company in regards to Holly’s inquiries into elf-sized furnishing for her Barbie Dream Condo.

Dear Miss Holly JD Elf,

Thank you for an interest in our products.

We regret to inform you that you are no longer welcome in our retail stores and online shopping site as well. Although we appreciate your admiration of our products and it’s unfortunate that they are not manufactured in elf-size, we do not tolerate harassment and foul language.

Our Customer Service Representative was very courteous on the phone. She explained that even though you must have the Coleman Bed for your dream condo, it does not come in elf-size. This is the first inquiry we’ve had for elf-sized products in the history or our company. We were more than willing to offer a 10% off discount any one item for your foster parent since you seemed so disappointed , but a foul mouthed rant was uncalled for. In the 10 years I’ve worked for this company I’ve never had an employee sent home mid shift for duress caused by a customer inquiry. Luckily all calls for recorded for training purposes and all I have to say is that you make sailors sound like choir boys.

Also we know you’ve been posting customer comments online. It would have been more effective if you had chosen user names that were not so obvious unlike; NaughtyElf, MischievousElf, BarbieCondoLove, LoserKen, PsychoElf, TortureRudolph, etc.

Although it is not our policy to turn away business, in this case we will make an exception.

Sincerely,

Manger at a well known company

Well if you’ve ever attended a craft show or watch public television you know there is some lady out that that makes doll/elf-sized furnishing for a living. I find the obsession of these crafters a little bit creepy at times, but I’m sure a few Ebay searches will pull up a few items for the Dream Condo.

Holly’s punishment is no TV for a week.  Not sure how this elf parenting gig is going to turn out.

A New Year and an Elf Sized Barbie Condo.

It's a new year and Santa has left me a bind. This apartment was meant to house myself and two cats, not a unruly mischevious elf.

Calls were made and emails were sent out. Would  anyone be interesting in being a foster parent to an elf? Let's just say all my inquiries went unanswered.

A deal has been made. Holly can reside here in NH if she stops plotting to smother me in my sleep. OR posion my food... We have a 3 strike policy and she wanted to know what constitutes as a strike. Well getting arrested would be one strike of course. I'll have to adjust the terms and conditions as we go along.

Holly said that if she was going to crash here for the year she needs her own space. She temporarily evicted Daisy and Mittens from the kitty condo much to their chagrin but quicky grew bored and said she needs something way more fabulous. A few searches online and Holly found the solution, her own Barbie Dream Home. Actually more like the Barbie Condo with the awesome elevator. I confessed that as a kid I always wanted one but was told that Barbie was more than happy with her RV and horse. Barbie can't have everything. Or at least we couldn't afford for Barbie to have everything. Does she really need a party boat, pool, and corvette?

I placed my first bid on Ebay and Holly monitored our status with much glee as we were top bidder. That all changed yesterday when Scorned_Ken@Barbiedumpedmysorrybutt placed a bid. A war has begun. Words were exchanged, threats were made betweeen a mischevious elf and an evicted Ken that wants his condo back.

Only hours were left on the clock and Holly decided to send the seller a message. I wasn't aware you could attach photos through a message on Ebay but Holly found a way. I'm not sure what she sent but  the seller closed the auction and the Barbie Condo is ours. There are several Barbie Dream Houses on Ebay that are larger in size. I asked Holly why she needed this particular one and she said the elevator would come in handy on rough nights if you know what I mean. Note to self. Search house for nips and hidden mini flasks.

I'm not 100% sure what Holly sent that seller but I did discover a few disturbing photos of me sleeping and Holly holding a pillow over my face.  Another photo of myself cooking in the kitchen and Holly posed behind me with a knife. ..... You get the idea.

Well, the condo should arrive shortly and we are starting off the New Year with new living arragnements, house rules, and hopefully some anti-psychotic elf medication. Does such a thing exist? I pray it does....